Zorba

Zorba is very old. Too old for most of us. It is believed, in some circles, that his balls may be older than time itself. But he's got a cute kid. Very cute. He bleeds orange and blue. He once partied with Kendall Gill and Deon Thomas. Rumor has it though that when turned away, Zorba tried to finger Deon's butthole. The bar was very crowded so it's hard to tell. But a rumor like that HAS to be true.

He loves books, cars, and frogs. So don't fuck with him.

Notables

• I was 5 lbs, 6 oz when I was born, and severely jaundiced. I was very sick. I actually lost weight when I was in the hospital and weighed only 5 lbs when I was 1 month old. My grandmother came to visit my mom and me and cried when she saw me because I was so sickly.

• I skipped 1st grade. That's right, I got the toughest one out of the way right away. I could read and count to 1000 thousand when I got to kindergarten and they didn't know what to do with me.

• Partially as a result of skipping a grade, I was the smallest person in my class-including girls-until I was a junior in high school. I was 4'11", 96 lbs when I got to high school. This did not prevent me from joining the football team where I served as punter and backup CB.

• Volleyball highlight: In high school I stuffed the block of a 6'10" guy (Bill Markham, who played hoops at Colorado). I'm 5'9". It wasn't because of a bad set or anything, he legitimately went up to spike and I stuffed him.

• I helped a hot blonde girl get into USC. I wrote the freeform essay on her application. The question was "who do you most admire" and I went with Bob Geldofr because of the whole Live Aid thing. She never went out with me, though it may have helped if I actually asked her out.

• In college playing rec hoops I scored on former Illini Tony Wysinger twice in one game (we played to 11). I took him to the hole twice. PWN3D. A few weeks later I played against a girl on the women's team (I can't recall her name but she almost made the olympic team). She repeatedly posted me up and scored. I was her bitch.

• My buddies and I also played against the Flyin' Illini in rec hoops: Marcus Liberty, Nick Anderson (wearing his McDonald's All-American jersey in case we didn't know who he was), Kendall Gill, Ervin Small and someone else. We ummmm.....lost.

• My favorite bar in college (O'Malleys, we went there at least 3 times a week) played American Pie every night at midnight. I still get chills (and shout the lyrics) when I hear that song on the radio.

• I used to play a lot of pool. I beat the Big Ten pool champion* at 9 ball twice and also at 8 ball in my favorite bar (see above) which was actually tougher because if you lose you have to wait 10 games to get another shot.

• My dad was an outstanding athlete. He played college football at Mount Union (now a Division 3 powerhouse), he was a 4 time letterman in football and baseball and 3 time letterman in basketball at a large Ohio high school. Gantry and I didn't get those genes as we played a combined 2 seasons of high school ball (frosh football and baseball for me, nothing for Gant).

• I once ate 17 White Castles after a Bears game. I was drunk. My friend Heavy (who was an OL at Duke) once ate 28 and then vomited.

• I was a great darts player. I once threw 10 consecutive bullseyes and completed a round of cricket in 4 rounds. The absolute minimum is 3 rounds. I did that drunk off my ass at my college graduation party.

• I'm a crappy golfer (22 handicap, or 24 strokes worse than Biznock) and have only gotten 5 birdies in my life. Last year I got 3 in a row at a pretty tough (slope 130) course.

• I have a brick from Old Comiskey Park

• I took Basketball as a class in college. I blew off many of the classes despite playing basketball every day at IMPE. I fell behind and had to make up for it in skills. To make up for this I made 20 out of 25 3 pointers to save my "B" grade.

• I did something similar with regard to pool. Yes, I took pool as a class. Every Friday at 10 am. I blew off half of the classes-too hard to get up that early. The teacher was cool (and cocky). He said "let's play best of 5 and if you beat me I'll give you an A". I won. He was good tooo.